Not Ready for a One Year Old

Hello, friends.  We’ve been busy beavers over here, hosting my cousin and then my sister and her husband and then my parents and other sister.  Tomorrow, our friend N comes in town for the weekend from NYC (oh, the jetsetting life…I miss it).

And KLC turns 1.

One year ago yesterday, I wrote this:

That night was one of our more emotional times as a married couple.  T and I went to see Skyfall, which we enjoyed, and I bawled the whole time.  It’s not a sad movie.  Afterwards, the only thing I could think to do to help me feel better about the impending induction was to go to Target.  I remember being so pleased about picking out snacks for the hospital, which I planned to munch on during labor if I so desired whether I was given medical permission or not, and paying for them with gift cards from baby showers.  I thought, “Now that’s a practical use of a baby gift: buying supplies for the actual birth.”  And then I felt better and slept well.

One year ago today, I wrote this on a private blog I kept as my own chronicle of pregnancy:

Hi there little one,

I painted my toenails for you. The pedicure I got during Erin’s bachelorette weekend was looking pretty bleak, and I didn’t want that to be your first sight.

Things aren’t going exactly as planned but we’re here at the hospital for an induction. I’m pretty emotional about everything, but your daddy is just the best. He has been giving me hugs and kisses and praying for us all. I can’t wait for you to meet him.

The reason we’re here for an induction is that you’re being a little stubborn and staying in my womb longer than the midwives would like. You seem very happy in there, kicking around and letting me know you’re still doing well. But there comes a time when you have to see what’s next for you in life, ok, little girl? I have been afraid plenty of times about what is next. Starting a job, driving to college, moving to Minnesota, moving to California, deciding to get married. Every one of those experiences were terrifying in ways but God has been with me through them all and they all (especially marrying your daddy) have been good and full of more blessings than I deserve. He loves you more than I do and He will be with you as well.

As you hesitate to come out and meet us, I am similarly conflicted about the coming days. Becoming a mother is a huge responsibility, and I pray that God will make me a good one for you. I feel inadequate much of the time, but I trust that we will learn and grow together as a new family–you, me, your dad, and our Heavenly Father.

We love you, baby girl. Come see us soon!

You did come out to meet us, baby girl.  We’ve had the privilege of parenting you for almost an entire year.  And I’m still conflicted.  I am not everything I think I should be as a mother.  I am sad that we don’t live around old friends or family to celebrate with.  But, ready or not, here comes toddlerhood.  May God bless the days ahead.


6 thoughts on “Not Ready for a One Year Old

  1. Yes, this time last year was a sweet time. One of my greatest memories of the day was coming by the hospital to see how you were progressing and not being able to leave. Dad was pretty mad at me but I couldn’t tear myself away!

    • Thanks, Alison! Yes, what a year. We’re joking that KLC doesn’t want to turn one over here. She’s fighting bedtime like whoa. Seems strangely fitting.

  2. Pingback: Are We Ready for a Two Year Old? | T and K, etc.

  3. Pingback: Letter to KLC on her Third Birthday | T and K, etc.

  4. Pingback: Letter to KLC on her Fifth Birthday | T and K, etc.

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